I’m well aware that one of the most negative sides of my personality is that I can be quite the winy, self-absorbed bitch sometimes.
The good thing is that usually, at the end of all the drama, I come away with the positive side of the story and cultivate a deep gratitude for it.
Last weekend I got pretty hurt over
criticism opinions my friends gave me – and Lord knows I don’t take criticism well (whether just or not). So for a couple of days I’ve been crying to myself about how nobody understands and values me and how I’ll always be lonely – as if loneliness is the purest state of who I am – an identity – a mission.
However today, after going through all the stages of my self-pity and anger, I realized that those friends are exactly the people I want and need and love in life and that I’m so blessed to be among them. It’s their honesty and openness and truthfulness that allows me to open up more myself. To be more genuinely me and – through that, eventually (let’s hope) to be understood. It’s amazing to have a place. A place for me, even if that me is sometimes misunderstood, or a winy, self-absorbed bitch with an exquisite incapability of expressing emotions. In the end, I’ll take a blunt comment over a fake one any day (
just give me a weekend to process it and I’ll be fine).
I am blessed with friends who just seem to have me. Value me. And the exact thing that initially hurt me is in fact the very thing I love in people: purity, genuine interest and a desire to discus and share.
Yes, I might remain a stranger kind. Because most people apparently don’t grieve and think and cry over such simple things. They seem to already know. Or they don’t feel or notice at all. I might be cursed.
But I will say for myself that, to recognise a lesson when its thought, to not take knowledge for granted, to have it come as a revelation, a relief, a mindful victory … that is the blessing of a self-analytic mind. Because as much sadness and anger I at times call upon myself, every pore of my soul feels and breaths gratitude when it’s presented.
A little delayed, perhaps, but surely and fully. And gratitude exists in abundance.